The Missionary Training Center, Brazil

 

     When I arrived in São Paulo, Brazil at the “Centro de Treinamento Missionário (CTM),” it all finally set in. I was in for the long haul. There was no turning back now! I felt apprehensive and often asked myself if I had made the right decision. Was this what I really wanted? I became restless as an intense nausea permeated my core. Everything in Brazil was so strange: the language, food, culture, weather… Worse of all, my sexual attractions were becoming even stronger! What was I doing here? Where was God and why had He abandoned me when all I wanted was to serve Him? Every night my mind would take me thousands of miles away to a place of comfort—my home. And every morning I awoke back in the MTC dorm room with a sense of intense fear and anxiety.

     Soon after I arrived in São Paulo, I was called to be a District Leader by the MTC president. I was extremely nervous, especially since I was so confused about my sexual attractions. I just felt completely unworthy of this position. I was constantly having sexual thoughts which I attributed to “temptations from the devil.” When thinking back, I can remember being taught that the devil tempts who he finds to be his greatest enemy. I felt, because I was given these strong feelings, Satan must find me a huge threat! These impure thoughts would subside if I worked hard enough and kept busy. Satan would not get the best of me! So, I was glad that my days were filled with language lessons, discussions, scripture reading, and memorization. Nonetheless, I would often find myself daydreaming about an attractive missionary. What was wrong with me? I was working so hard to control my same-gender attraction, yet it seemed to get worse the more I resisted! I prayed daily that God would finally relieve my suffering.