My Discovery

 

     My parents bought a home in Los Angeles County, California. I was nine years old and in the third grade at my new school when I discovered something about myself. It was a feeling that was utterly intriguing yet natural and deeply innate. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of someone! His name was Adam. He was adorable and just so gorgeous! I had no words to describe him. During recess, I would search for him and just gaze at him from a distance. It made me feel so happy inside to see him every day. I almost couldn’t stop thinking about him. I remember the girls talking about how cute he was and thinking, “Of course he is!” Soon, confusion set in. Why did none of the boys have these feelings? Was I normal? It was such an unbelievably strong and sincere feeling that, for a time, I didn’t care.

     This all changed when I was about ten years old. I found out at church that my attractions were considered an “abomination.” It would have to be something I would have to keep secret. I can remember anxiously looking up the word “homosexuality” after hearing it discussed in a church sermon. On an extremely personal level, “I” could somehow connect with this term. I hurried to my Bible’s table of contents to find out more. I was scared when I came across Leviticus 20:13 from the Old Testament. It read, “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.” When I read this, my heart sank in despair. But, this close physical intimate love and connection to my same gender was so undeniably genuine and real. I couldn’t deny this fundamental piece of who I was! At about this time, my self-hatred began. The feelings that were once a source of joy now caused severe depression and unimaginable pain. At that young age, I quickly found that I was growing up gay in a church that didn’t accept me for my true self. I had to change my attractions to become worthy of my religion. That was the beginning of an agonizing struggle with a religion that wanted to change an important piece of my identity—my sexual identity.