My Innocence

 

     I can still vividly remember a story that affected me strongly on an emotional level. It was a story seared deep into my memory as if naturally becoming permanently bound to my identity. I sat at my grandparents' dinner table in their home in the beautiful Oregon countryside with my brothers and sisters. My grandmother told the inspiring story of a loving romance she and my grandfather shared. Because her parents forbade her to marry my grandfather, my grandparents flew away together to elope. I was fascinated by the power and courage of their love for each other. It has been my dream—ever since—to marry the love of my life and grow old together just as my grandparents did.

     I grew up with three brothers and two sisters. Being the youngest and the smallest of four boys, I was teased mercilessly. Even so, I feel fortunate to have been surrounded by a large, loving family. Although this large family instilled in me many life-long qualities like sharing, patience, and family values, I still felt inadequate. I had no one to talk to about the confusing feelings I was experiencing as I matured. I was surrounded by people, but no one to confide in. Already being very timid, I was petrified to tell anyone about my inner-conflict.

     I was quiet, shy, and constantly preoccupied with the deeper meanings of life as a child. Being highly perceptive and observant, much more so than any other children my age my mother would always mention, I could not connect with children very well. I just felt my life's questions could never be answered to my satisfaction and children were not much help. In fact, I preferred nature to the company of others. While the Church took over every facet of my existence, I enjoyed being alone to experience life by myself. The countryside was my escape from the Mormon world. It was the only place where I felt free to be myself, find peace in my thoughts, and meaning in my life. I was absolutely in love with the freedom I felt when I was alone in the countryside.

     At age five, I decided to become extremely fit. I was determined to take care of my body so that I could live into my hundreds. My inspiration was the Biblical “Seth” who lived to be 912 years old! I learned in primary school at Church that God sent Seth to replace his slain brother Abel. Seth was the most righteous and pure of all Adam’s children and, my name being Seth, I felt it was my duty to resemble him. I had my work cut out for me! At that age, I did not yet know the meaning of sin. I remember thinking I was as perfect as Jesus. I cared for the sick. I loved unconditionally. I only wished goodness upon everyone. To be like the Biblical Seth, I just needed to solve the age problem. So, I convinced my best friend Michael to go running with me every day around an enormous plot of land nestled within the deep forests of Jackson, Tennessee. It was our playground. It was a place we could freely explore to our little hearts’ content. Unfortunately, those care-free days were short-lived.